Being a Mom (feeling like a failure)...

There has never been, nor will there ever be, anything quite so special
​as the love between the mother and a son.
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This has been a super hard couple of months. My last blog post talked about how August was bad but September/ October was harder. I miss the days when my son was happy and carefree. When he was willing to try anything. As he gets older it gets harder, didn’t realize how hard it could get. The 6 months leading up to his 15th birthday were hard. You now the usual hormonal stuff and wanting to not do anything anymore. Then two weeks before September we had to make a difficult choice and put our furry four legged best friend down. She was a year older then him and she was the only dog he ever knew and loved. While pregnant with him she would put her paw on my belly and made sure I was safe. She was attached to him from then on. They had a bond like I’ve never seen or experienced before. Don’t get me wrong Dually and I had a bond as well but nothing as special as the one they had. Then he turned 15 and started grade 10 in a school he hates with kids he doesn’t like, living in a town with absolutely nothing to do. Things took a turn, I had noticed before he’s had some times of being sad and depressed but always seemed to bounce out of it. This last month he hasn’t been. He got sick on top of all and that doesn’t help at all either. He has admitted to having suicidal thoughts and his mood has been angry, agitated and sad. He has been using gaming as his way of escaping the feelings. But he also stopped talking to me about things like he used to. I also haven’t been in the best frame of mind either so I didn’t notice the changes right away either. I to have been battling my own depression and mental struggles which doesn’t help things either. It boils down to spending more time together, he needs me more.

I had put the changes we both need in motion 7 months ago. I have been trying to sell my house so we can move back into the city. Where we both can spread our wings and be able to accomplish what we want in life together. I won’t go into those issues and anger I have with that but in September made a change to a new realtor and priced the house properly now and so we wait some more. I hate waiting... I’m not a very patient person. Once I set my mind to a goal I don’t stop until I get there. I just wish I could do this with my health. But again feeling stuck out here. Anyways I am getting side tracked here. A couple of weeks ago was really hard and my son hit rock bottom. I am so thankful that he did reach out and tell me these things, knowing he is reaching out for help in a subconscious way. Reaching out to me saying “hey Mom I need ya”! I am so glad that I put him first and left work to be there for him. I took the afternoon off, for him to see the Dr, we had lunch and he opened up so much more for me. He is on antibiotics to get over this infection he has, he decided to apply for a part time job in the mean time. We came up with an after school plan to spend more time together with either doing homework or just doing something. He started to smile some more which I haven’t seen in a long time. We talked about his thoughts and he understood the impacts and how it would effect others if he made the choice to commit suicide. He realizes it wouldn't just effect me, grandparents and other close friends of ours but his friend and his friends family too. I’m still worried and still keeping a super close eye on him. But we have a start and a plan to get thru this.

So while going thru this my parents have helped immensely but I had a bunch of friends reach out to help me, offer suggestions, listen to me, hug me and just to let me know I am not alone in this. Has meant the world to me in ways I can’t ever say to show my massive gratitude. But one of my friends reached out and she had the similar thing with her boys too but made the comment about something that I had been feeling as well. Going thru this I realized that there are things for the girls and this movement to help the girls but what about our boys? The ones that are caring, understanding, helpful, would never treat a girl badly, who opens doors for the girls at school, who helps them when they drop things, the ones who have a massive heart. What are we doing for our boys and helping to build their self esteem up, help build their confidence up, help them maneuver the hormones and stresses of teenage life? I am all for this empowering women but there are boys out there that need our help too. Ones that have given up on sports thanks to the shitty politics that comes with team sports. There are so many social stresses and more issues that teens go thru now then when I was a teenager and the suicide rate keeps climbing for both girls and boys every year. We need to help these kids and let them know what they are feeling is normal and that they won’t be judged for opening up and talking to someone. They need to know we are there for them and we need to make sure we make time for them. The boys need to be made they know its ok they are not always tough and strong. They need to know its ok to talk about feelings and feeling sad without being judged they are not manly enough. It takes a village to raise a kid especially being a single mom. I can’t do this all on my own but I have amazing people in our lives that can help us get thru this. We will get thru this and we both will be ok!

My son has been making small improvements with his thinking and talking more and more each day. So we are getting there. Also been having more play dates and sleep overs with my parents new puppy. Harley sure can make that kid smile a lot. I have been slowly coming around to Harley. Feel guilty for loving the dog when I had to make the hard choice to put the one I loved so much down. I still feel a void with her gone. I miss her like crazy. Harley though has been helping and I am slowly getting better. His first sleepover I feel helped that too. He is such a cute guy and dorky too.

Until next time...