This long weekend has been an odd but great weekend. I was able to start new process and get something cleaned up and ordered.

As I sit here looking back at the year, where my life took a sudden change in direction. I am amazed and yet grateful for all the experiences I have had. This weekend a year ago a choice was made that ended up being a chance to get out of an abusive 14 yr marriage. A chance to start fresh and finally live my hopes and dreams. A chance for my son to see how people really live instead of living in constant fear. To see his mom to make a bad situation into a positive one.

It wasn't an easy year to say the least and still continues to have its challenges, it's highs and it's lows. A lot was accomplished and new friends have come into my life. In looking back I wouldn't change anything not one thing at all. It's showing me I can do this but it's also showing me I need to ask for help more. I am finding out that I can't do it all and need to ask more. I need to take more me time so I can keep going and handle the stress that has been happening and will continue to happen.

Yesterday I had to do something so very hard but I did it to get the help my son and I need but to also put the steps in place to protect us as well. Living in fear is no way to live. Things are not going to get any easier and if anything will only get worse. I know I will come out on top but getting there won't be easy or fun. The end result and the freedom and closure will out weigh all of that so my son and I can truly be free and happy and live life to the fullest..

I have lots of regrets that I didn't do anything sooner or tried to leave earlier but I was scared and I did what I could with the resources and the knowledge I had at the time. Being emotionally abused and being made to feel like your worthless you start to believe that after awhile. You think I am that bad and why would anyone want me. I still don't know what my future holds or if I will ever have that happy ending of being rescued by a night in shinning armour (Pretty Women is my fav movie... Don't laugh).

I am going to start to love myself and believe in myself more because that's the main thing. I forgot how to and lost me along the way. In this past year I have started finding myself and am closer to knowing what I want out of life but now I need to get back to me and what makes me "me". How can I be with anyone else if I don't have that and my past issues dealt with once and for all. Closure on my past marriage will help greatly in that department. I can't truly be with another guy if that isn't closed and done with. Not fair to the other person.

My ex was previously married and it always felt like it was a three way marriage for us at the start because she manipulated him and used the kid to get her way. She used his guilty feelings for leaving her to get what she wanted. Once he finally closed the door on her and stopped being manipulated she still let him see his daughter and she ran out of steam so she stopped and it got better until I got pregnant then that's when things started going down hill. It's a long and disturbing story. My friends say I should write a book but no one would believe that it actually happened. Maybe one day I will.

So the year with myself and my parents we have accomplished a lot and made it thru some hellish times but each thing we go thru we get closure and stronger. I have a new tattoo I want and will get done in the fall. It's one for me and about me. I can't wait to get it done.

So in looking back would I change any of it... No I wouldn't becuse I wouldn't be where I am today knowing what I know and feeling stronger then I was back then. I'm still a work in progress but I am proud at how far I've come. I raced races I was scared to try and made new friends along the way. I am excited to keep on this path and see where I end up and what changes in a year from now. I have a whole lot of things to try and do yet in this thing we call life.

Until next time...

Saturday was the Montana Sprint Founders Race.... It was hard but still so much fun. Went down with Mike, my son and my parents. Weather wasn't the greatest but it wasn't raining while we were running so that was a bonus.... Afterwards was another story. We were sooo cold. my asthma though was off thanks to the cooler weather and the smoke they were burning but was able to keep the lungs calmer and push thru things.

The hills were the hardest part of them all and they utilized the hills all around very well. A couple of my fav obstacles were not there but a few new ones were good too. There were more water ones here compared to Vegas and again it's thanks to the terrain. It was still fun!

I was so glad Mike was there to help me along way although I feel bad that I was holding him back. Or I was a pain. Was nice to have another couple with us that we met along the way and encouraged each other. It was their first and felt great helping others out... they helped keep me going too. I felt like I pushed myself harder this time but my pace was slower then Vegas. I did finish this one in 2 hrs like I wanted but as always I wanted to try to beat it. I am super proud though of completing it but I need to train harder and get that hill training before hand. Who wants to join me in the torture I mean oh so much fun hill training???I know ya wanna!! :)

My son completed his first Jr. Spartan in 12 min on the 1 mile hilly course. He loved it and was proud of himself and of course I was a super proud Momma! I love seeing his new passion for racing and trying new things out. I'm not sure if he will do them again but all that matters is he is having fun trying new things.

Was really nice to have my parents there taking pictures and showing their support too. Was the best Momma's day weekend in a very long time. My son got me the best presents and his encouraging words always mean the most. We've been thru so much and it's awesome we have each other.

All these races this year are for the most part learning lessons... What to do for next time if I want a next time. For me the Spartans are on my list for sure and they will have more time goals now I know what to expect from these races. The other races this year that are a learning thing are the triathlons. I do have my own road bike now (thanks to Mike) to train on and get more consistent on it. I am excited to give it a try out and get outside with it. I am nervous about that since I'm scared I won't get my shoes un-clipped in time, there are cars, animals, people, gravel and well you get the point. LOTS of distractions and elements. I would really like to continue those and work on improving myself. It's all about the journey!

With training comes it's challenges and getting places to workout. One of the options I was toying with in conversations with Mike before was making my own gym in my basement. So these nights like this one when I can't sleep due to being over tired I can go workout and make myself tired so my brain shuts off and I sleep. I am going to get my own squat rack, new treadmill to keep up my running on crappy days, roman chair, weights and of course the smaller things to add to it. I have the space in my new house which is a walkout so why not bring the gym to me! I am looking forward to going shopping this weekend and pricing it all out so I can order it and get it all delivered. So excited!!

My life has started to settle down a bit... I'm not so stressed but still very confused. With time I hope that confusion resolves itself like I have a feeling it will one way or the other. Just take each day as it comes and try and I will TRY not to stress over everything. Way easier said then done.

Competitive soccer has been a frustrating start to the season. They keep messing around with the schedules and being a single mom trying to do things for myself and make sure my son gets what he wants is a challenge. The way the schedule was setup before was working for me but now practices fall on a Tuesday and in which case is messing up my coached bike for the tri training this week. Hard to be at two places at the same time. My son did say he could miss practice as my bike is more important with my next race coming up on June 7th. It's always nice to figure out a way to do both. Which in my case didn't work. I did get my time trials done with my tri group and happy to have it done. Wished my knee was better and not acting up after the spartan. I pushed thru it the best I could and still showed improvement. Now to get the swim time trial done and I am set for the Vulcan Tinman Triathlon. This one is going to turn out better then the first tri... I just know it.

Here's to getting back on track with training, life and accomplishing my hopes and dreams! Wish me luck... I'm going to need lots!

Until next time...

Rainy days like this make me slow down and take time to reflect. But I find doing this throughout the year helps keeps my goals, wants and needs in perspective as well.

• Go with the flow, everything will figure itself out
  

• Appreciate what you have, material wealth is not the path to true happiness
  

• Enjoy it all, it's over before you know it.
  

• Turn Around, enjoy where you have been while continuing your journey
  

• Tell those that your close to how you feel because you never know when #3 will come
  

• Enjoy the simple things
  

• Smile, say hi and wave, you never know whose day you will make more enjoyable
  

• Always stay hydrated (yes coming from a runner I always carry water wherever I go)
  

• Slow down, don't rush, and you will see all that's around you
  

• Do something out of your comfort zone (OCR’s, distance running, trying something new or going back to school doesn't matter what just try something new)
  

• Follow your dreams and don’t let someone tell you that you can’t or worth it
  

• Honesty is the best policy… even though the truth hurts but it’s better to say it then hide it
  

• Whats meant to be will be

• Know that you’re a strong beautiful person and that your worth it and don’t listen to those that tell you otherwise… they don’t know your journey or the troubles you've gone thru to get where you’re at today.
  

I've had a challenging week going thru some personal things and while learning about myself as well. I hope things settle down and get back to normal in that aspect. It's derailed my triathlon training a bit due to not having the right equipment to train on but hope to have that resolved soon. On a much happier note though I am getting ready for my second spartan race in Montana next weekend... found out it's the 2014 Founders Race as well. So I am feeling excited and nervous. Will have two Spartans done on my road to trifecta. My son is completing his first kids spartan race too that day and is disappointed he isn't old enough to do my course. June 7th is my first outdoor triathlon... I need to get a bike to get out and ride outside as I have only been doing that on the trainer. After Montana will kick training up a bunch of gears so I can get ready for June 7th and my half marathon July 1st. Going to be busy but will make it work somehow. My son started competitive soccer too and I work full time... we will get there one way or the other.

Until next time...