A lot happened in a year...

This long weekend has been an odd but great weekend. I was able to start new process and get something cleaned up and ordered.

As I sit here looking back at the year, where my life took a sudden change in direction. I am amazed and yet grateful for all the experiences I have had. This weekend a year ago a choice was made that ended up being a chance to get out of an abusive 14 yr marriage. A chance to start fresh and finally live my hopes and dreams. A chance for my son to see how people really live instead of living in constant fear. To see his mom to make a bad situation into a positive one.

It wasn't an easy year to say the least and still continues to have its challenges, it's highs and it's lows. A lot was accomplished and new friends have come into my life. In looking back I wouldn't change anything not one thing at all. It's showing me I can do this but it's also showing me I need to ask for help more. I am finding out that I can't do it all and need to ask more. I need to take more me time so I can keep going and handle the stress that has been happening and will continue to happen.

Yesterday I had to do something so very hard but I did it to get the help my son and I need but to also put the steps in place to protect us as well. Living in fear is no way to live. Things are not going to get any easier and if anything will only get worse. I know I will come out on top but getting there won't be easy or fun. The end result and the freedom and closure will out weigh all of that so my son and I can truly be free and happy and live life to the fullest..

I have lots of regrets that I didn't do anything sooner or tried to leave earlier but I was scared and I did what I could with the resources and the knowledge I had at the time. Being emotionally abused and being made to feel like your worthless you start to believe that after awhile. You think I am that bad and why would anyone want me. I still don't know what my future holds or if I will ever have that happy ending of being rescued by a night in shinning armour (Pretty Women is my fav movie... Don't laugh).

I am going to start to love myself and believe in myself more because that's the main thing. I forgot how to and lost me along the way. In this past year I have started finding myself and am closer to knowing what I want out of life but now I need to get back to me and what makes me "me". How can I be with anyone else if I don't have that and my past issues dealt with once and for all. Closure on my past marriage will help greatly in that department. I can't truly be with another guy if that isn't closed and done with. Not fair to the other person.

My ex was previously married and it always felt like it was a three way marriage for us at the start because she manipulated him and used the kid to get her way. She used his guilty feelings for leaving her to get what she wanted. Once he finally closed the door on her and stopped being manipulated she still let him see his daughter and she ran out of steam so she stopped and it got better until I got pregnant then that's when things started going down hill. It's a long and disturbing story. My friends say I should write a book but no one would believe that it actually happened. Maybe one day I will.

So the year with myself and my parents we have accomplished a lot and made it thru some hellish times but each thing we go thru we get closure and stronger. I have a new tattoo I want and will get done in the fall. It's one for me and about me. I can't wait to get it done.

So in looking back would I change any of it... No I wouldn't becuse I wouldn't be where I am today knowing what I know and feeling stronger then I was back then. I'm still a work in progress but I am proud at how far I've come. I raced races I was scared to try and made new friends along the way. I am excited to keep on this path and see where I end up and what changes in a year from now. I have a whole lot of things to try and do yet in this thing we call life.

Until next time...